Another Musical based fic...

*The words have been drained from this pencil,
Sweet words that I want to give you,
And I can't sleep,
I need to tell you goodnight...* [You- Evanescence]




Silly stories, poems and e-mails from her heart poured into her notebook. Mostly about him, and she'd wanted so badly to share it with him. Calling him one evening with the express thought of finally sharing her thoughts, yet he'd wanted something different.




"Arianna, I need to be honest with you about my feelings." That was how it had begun, she who had felt so comfortable around him, had to hear him say to her that he didn't see her in the way that she viewed him. He told her a line that she had heard so many times yet it hurt so much more coming from him. Yet this time unlike the others she didn't cry, she had prepped herself for it. She'd had a week away from him to think on it, on him and had instinctively known what was sure to come. Yet she had been so optimistic that she hadn't been real and true to herself.




*You used to captivate me...
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams,
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me,* [My Immortal- Evanescence]




She awoke in a sweat from the dream of her running so fast from him and the heartache she knew would come that all around her became a blur. In the end she fell to her knees crying as he approached her. She was afraid that he would tell her that he didn't see her the way she saw him, or even worse that he saw her the same way and she awoke and realized that it was but a dream. She was tired of it, she wished that his face and his words didn't haunt her each time she closed her eyes. Yet it did.




*Has no one told you she's not breathing,
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello!
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake
From this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide,
Don't cry.* [Hello- Evanescence]




She sat on her bed and talked to her best friend and realized that to him all she could be was dead. She never wanted to share herself with anyone ever again, yet she knew that she wouldn't feel like closing off from all men for too long. Yet at times she wished that it had been a dream, or he had just found someone new, or that at least he had lied to her. In her heart it didn't feel as if it was all true. But she would walk away head held high, still perfectly whole.




*Suddenly I know I am not sleeping
Hello
I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday* [Hello-Evanescence]




As she got up the next morning she realized that it was not a dream, it had happened. He had told her in essence that she was not his dream girl and that he thought that she had something missing. Yet she was still herself and would always be...




*Rain outside my window pouring down,
What now your gone....
Now it's too late to turn it around...
I guess this time it really is goodbye.* [I'm Sorry- Craig David]




With fingers flying across keys she remembered her last conversation with him.




"Well I guess we ga link later" she said softly to him as she hung up the phone. That was it, the end.



She knew that she would never call him again for as she'd told her Diary the other night they could either be two of Deborah Cox's songs "How Did You Get Here" or "We Can't Be Friends". She guessed that they were the latter. She hurt so much but she knew that she would get over it. Someday she knew he would look back and think on the night the way she did but what he would take of it she didn't know...

The Hook

To all of my adoring fans... the following is an idea of what my fiction looks like. This is a taste of my almost finished book "Letters To Austria" and when I say taste, I mean taste. I even changed the names. But I do think that you will enjoy it! I love it and I love you guys, so I am sharing... I hope you enjoy my summary entitled "The Hook"



He could leave without me saying something to him. She thought to herself as she looked over at him. She didn't know who he was or where he was from, something about him called out to her. She was so afraid to call out to him in fears that he would turn away or that she would stay something stupid.



He was so far from her; it was almost as if there was a bridge between their worlds that she just didn't know how to cross. She couldn't think of anything to say to him that would make him stop and want to get to know her. She wanted to get close enough to him to look deeply in his eyes so that she could learn of him.



As she was staring at him she smiled and then realized that he'd caught her staring. Silently she prayed that her heart was not written on her sleeve. She prayed that she didn't scare him; she hoped that she didn't look like a stalker. He was just so beautiful to her. Tall and well toned, like a finely chiseled and sculpted masterpiece out for display. She wanted him next to her, she wanted him to help her finish the story that she saw herself weaving in her mind. Yet she was afraid to talk to him, but also more afraid of him vanishing and never giving her a chance to know him, or of him getting to know her.



"Don't be shy Janeen." Her friend Maria teased pulling her out of her reverie. They stood away from the table where he sat with a friend and the usually bold and aggressive Janeen was now as quiet as a mouse. She couldn't stop looking at him, yet she was afraid that he would laugh at her if she approached him. "Plus if you want to only approach him out of a room of wall to wall cuties, there must be a reason. Let's go over."



"Girl, I don't know why I want to approach and to top it all off I just can't make my feet move." It was then that he looked her way again and something in his look called her to him. She realized then that he would not approach her, that she would have to go over and introduce herself. It was a liberated society; maybe she'd intrigue him in some way. She was here that night for this one purpose, to meet him and to give him a glimpse of who she was. And even if this was not the one she'd have for keeps, she'd always remember that night as the night she almost found the key to his heart.



"Hi!" she greeted coming over to his table just slightly behind her friend looking at him but trying not to give him her heart at once. She didn't know how she would get him to think or see her as being beautiful, but she knew that she was. She also knew that you could tell who someone was by the way they spoke and carried their self; she prayed silently that he wouldn't find her to be a fool, a pest or a bore.



And as the night progressed only God knows really what he thought of her, but she knew one thing, she'd found her way of opening up. She did not let him get away without a trace, she'd found her way of crossing the bridge. Maybe somehow he'd had as much fun with her as she had with him.



---->Most ladies understand what this feels like. It can be so nerve wracking to approach a cute guy. I hope that you enjoyed it and until later keep Song Of Solomon 8:4 in your Spirit.

The Diarist

Love....

I Love You
By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin
February 23rd,2008

I lay here
Thinking of you and what your presence does to me
You make me happy
You make me feel free
You encourage me to be the best
To work at all that God wants me to be.


I lay here upset at the fact that I can't say it
Say the words that want to tumble forth from my lips
I want to be able to lay next to you
Be able to hear your heart beating
Look up into your muddy river depths
Close my eyes and let my heart be windswept.


I want to open my mouth and whisper it
To only you at first
Then shout it from the mountain top
That "I love you Chris!"

Unaware

By: Natasha D. Rufin

(c) September 2007

You catch me in unawares

I'm not ready to unveil my heart

But you capture it in one stare.

In one instance you see into my soul

I was really not ready to love you

Not ready to be here

But here I lay thinking of how my soul lies bare!

Something about you drives me crazy

Makes me want to leave everything

Just to be beside you when you're laughing

To be beside you ensuring your life is what God wants it to be,

Something inside of you pulls me to you,

Makes me believe that yes love may be found in you.

Yes your presence catches me unaware

Yes your presence has totally captivated my heart,

Yes I lie here really truly into you,

I believe that it's time for true love to start!

Maybe... Still A Chance

I'm back with another set of poems tonight. These ones were written during my days at the College Of the Bahamas as I sat about with my friends in the library or computer lab. I found them tonight and thought to share them with you. Enjoy!

Princess Natasha

Maybe

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

8th February,2006

Maybe I should rethink this

Maybe I should keep it to myself

Maybe I should do as I always do

And think over it

Let it simmer inside

Just keep it pent up within

Until it seeks to destroy me

By exploding on a whim.

I may as well say it now,

It just seems scary but I just have to,

This would have come out someday anyhow

The thing is that-

I really like you!

Still A Chance

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

Fall 2003

Wondering through the desert,

In the dark and cold night,

I’m alone and afraid,

Yet in the distance I see a bright light.

I run towards it feeling safe at last,

I know instinctively that here I can forget my past.

Then I see that the gate has a lock,

I read a sign that tells me what to do

It says that the occupants are waiting for true love to pass through.

I look down at my talisman it has a key,

Maybe it can open this door for me?

I read the story about this royal family,

The Prince had been placed under a spell by a witch you see,

She’d spoken over his life words of hate,

Words that made him lock his heart and the castles gate,

Then he fell under a deep sleep,

A sleep he’d stay in until he felt his loves kiss finally.

I looked at my reflection mirrored in the water in the moat below,

Could I be the one to awaken him so?

With my plain face and soft curly hair,

I see someone beautiful in her way with nothing to fear.

If I’m the one it’ll be okay,

If not, love will come to me someday.

I push in my key, it turns and the lock opens,

I open the gate and I walk in,

My search for the throne room then earnestly begins,

I find my prince sleeping and loosing heart,

I hold his head in the palm of my hands as under my lips his lips slightly part.

He awakens and opens his eyes and sees,

I am his true love, we’re both happy,

Slowly around us the castle reawakens,

We celebrate our union with a grand party!

Then it seems that I awaken from my dream,

Yet my prince is next to me,

Yet unlike my dream where he can see me,

He’s asleep to the fact that we’re meant to be.

Will he awaken at our first kiss?

Will I ever be on the Prince of my heart’s list?

Will he ever be known as my man?

Will I ever feel his heart beat erratically under my hand?

So dream Prince why can’t you see all I see?

Why can’t you see the princess you have in me?

It’s time for you to open your eyes to love,

Time for you to come and claim what was destined for you from the one above,

So stop sleeping thinking you’re not worthy to be loved,

For I’m here still wondering in my desert,

Waiting to see the light in the distance,

The light that tells me there is for us still a chance.

Always... Too Soon

Another late night I'm up with practically nothing to do- I have decided to add a few more poems (trying to do this as often as possible)... Anyway enjoy the following poems dealing with I guess you can say a theme of being in love and losing out to something else that is more important to the man you love... lol

Anyhow I gotta run now but be blessed and keep smiling!

Princess Natasha

Like Always
By Natasha Tatania D. Rufin
September 10th, 2008

Don't kiss me like that

To go back to her
Like Always.

Don't touch me like that

To run back to her bed

Like always.

Don't whisper those words to me
Only to repeat them to her
Again as always.

Just let me go
And stay with the apple of your eye
Like always.

Too Soon

By: Natasha D. Rufin

September 10th, 2005

"Yeah mon cherie, I will take you to heaven.

But can you handle it?"

That's what he said

As he pulled me into his arms

Could I handle him

This man I met just 48 hours before

Who had me out of my home after four

Not a good girl move for sure

Doing nothing but everything all at once

Making me fall in love with his homeland

The land of my forefathers

For once this exotic flower had found her home

And as we danced under the light of the moon.

I knew that he would leave

And no matter when he returned to the land he loves

It would for me altogether be too soon!

Ezer Kenegdo & Related Poems

This is my first blog on blogspot- this is the blog I've decided to dedicate to my poetry and other creative endeavours. My work has been getting lost in my other very chatty blogs. The following are all poems written about Mr. Christopher McKenzie (TX) in some way or another- and I praise God that I am finally OVER him. As Leona Lewis' *The Best You Never Had* plays I smile knowing all that he could have had but lost... my heart, my body, my pure beauty is still intact and now we can be the best of friends.

Enjoy the poems as you look into my heart at a part of the journey my heart took on that love road. Keep Blessed and John 14:1-3

Princess Natasha

{I know that I am a Princess because my Father is the King Of Kings!}

Ezer Kenegdo

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

September 10th,2008

I was his tall glass of water

Sustaining him whenever his soul was dry

But he left me in a drought

Wondering how and why

This body of mine still longs for the touch of his love

The way his words coursed its way down my body

Over the petals of the rose that has never be touched

He was my first love, the only true love I'd ever felt,

But he didn't or couldn't love me

Why could he not see me

See me as his ezer kenegdo

His helpmate, His sustainer,

I don't know

I guess I never will

But alas I have learned to let him go...

Do You Think I’m Beautiful?

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

April 5th, 2008

I wanted- oh how I wanted you to fight for me

To love me, to hold me

Be my hero

Let me know and feel my beauty

As I felt captivated and captured in a way that I had never known.

Everytime I asked you how you felt

It was my way of asking:

Do you think I’m beautiful?

Am I worth fighting battles for?

Am I the one you want to share this adventure know as life with?

Am I the princess of your dreams

The lady who you love really and truly?

Yet you never replied...

I lay on my pillow

No longer wanting to laugh or smile

Hating so much that I loved you,

Hating so much that I now realized

That you were just another right person at a very wrong time

I cry as I realize that seriously I would love you forever!

This time as I hear love knocking on my door

I hesitate

Wondering if I should, could, or would be able to love again.

I hear a voice behind me, reminding me

That if no one else will

He finds me beautiful

I truly captivate his heart

He will fight for me

Will come for me

Will show me my real beauty!

Do you think I’m beautiful?

The answer is no longer all I need

My Daddy has His arms around me

His love and desire is all that I need!

Waiting...

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

March 24th, 2008

The wind rustles through the trees around me

I stand on a hill looking out to sea

Waiting on something

Waiting on you

Waiting on us to really and fully begin

Waiting on the tide that will bring you in.

As I stand there

I hear the voices of others who try to steal my heart

I hear the voices of those who want to see us apart

They want to be the ones that break down the walls surrounding my heart

That melt the ice inside

And even though they have tried

I know that it was meant to be me and you

I know that without a doubt I love you

That the words I have for you are true

That God created me for you!

Finally you arrive

Coming to claim what is righfully yours

Coming to kiss my pain away

As finally I can feel your arms around me

But not without a fight

Battling the dragons of fear, doubt and despair from my mind

You are here to love me at the right time.

I am your Ezer Kenegdo

The one and only that God has for you

And as you show me what it feels like to be really and truly loved

I am happy and content knowing

That finally all of my hopes and dreams have come true!

Suddenly I awake from my dream

It felt so real

I thought that this time it was truly going to happen

You would be here with me forever,

But I awake to feel of your presence lingering

But as I look around I know that you could not have been here.

You wouldn’t have shown up here and left without a word or kiss

You wouldn’t have shown up here and not granted my every wish

You wouldn’t have shown here and left me the same

You would have come here and turned the ice in my heart to steam.

But until then I will continue to dream...

Para Siempre... For Always

By: Natasha Tatania D. Rufin

March 12th, 2008

Te quiero por una vez y para siempre

I love you for once and for always

I love you today, tomorrow and forever

I always have, I always will

You’re the one I want

If it’s in my Father’s will...

Sometimes I lay here wondering if it is?

Can I have you?

All of you?

The outside and the inside

The aspects of you that make me smile, that make me laugh, that make me frown,

That remind me when I’m letting the standards I have down.

I feel like melting when ever I think of you

I know that you will hold me in your arms

Keep me safe from harm

You see the beauty in me that is like a butterfly’s

Always on the run

Always ready to fly.

Until I met you-

You saw the beauty in me

Before I fully saw it

Made me believe that maybe just maybe

I could become more than the woman you saw in me

Love made me believe-

Believe in me and you

Even when I was still unsure of who I was when I looked in the mirror

Loving you made it all clearer.

Before anyone began to see the me I had hidden

There was you

Before I allowed others to get close

There was you

Before I became the young Princess that now stands beside you

There was you!

You were the first one

The only true one

The only real one

The only lover of my heart

The one that I pray will never tear me apart.

For once and always

For the good and the bad days

Until the day I die

The love I have for you won’t be a lie...

Para Siempre!

Nat’s Note: Those two words in Spanish always send shivers down my spine! They are so beautiful! I pray that you have enjoyed and that you keep smiling and remever that love is beautiful! Keep 1 John 4 in your Spirit.